A bedtime story

Onceuponatime there was a Small Man who lived in a shack. He didn't have much money because he couldn't get a decent job because he'd dropped out of school and had never finished. One day the Small Man went to a pub and met a woman there who was completely different to anyone he'd ever met before. She acted like a man, looked a bit like a man and had the same interests as men do. The Small Man was so lonely because people generally didn't like him that he decided to put a collar around the woman and take her home as a pet. The Small Man taught his pet woman how to make coffee and do simple tricks. But he was still sad because he couldn't find a job and so he started eating everything he could find in the hopes that it would make him feel better about himself. He ate the soap and the mattress and the bread in the cupboard and the yoghurt in the fridge. Heck, he even ate the fridge door. It didn't make him feel any better though, all it did was make him fat. So now he was sad, unemployed, lonely and fat. He spoke to his pet woman but she was far more interested in juggling oranges and just listened now and then when the man looked upset and screamed at her to make coffee. But wait! The Small Man did have a friend! He just didn't treat the friend that way. To the Small Man, he had nothing in common with this friend, they just went places together now and then. So one day, the Small Man and his pet woman invited themselves around to the friends house. The friend said "Hey Small Man, I know you don't have a job. I know of a job for you where they won't even care whether you have finished school or not. All you need to do is tolerate that they are drug addicts." The Small Man was excited. It paid more money than he'd ever earned before and that was really the most important thing in the Small Mans life. When the Small Man started his new job, the boss was very nasty to him and called him fat and told everyone that the Small Man was on drugs. The Small Mans friend heard about it and told the Small Mans boss that the Small Man was not on drugs at all. The friend got into trouble for this but it didn't matter because the friend had integrity and had a sense of loyalty to the Small Man and knew that the Small Man was not on drugs at all. The Small Man wanted to leave and said "Friend! You must leave too!" but the friend said "I wish I could but I can't just leave Small Man, I won't be able to buy food if I leave." This made the Small Man very angry because he didn't care about anyone but himself but he kept quiet and didn't leave. The Small Man started telling the friend every day how his pet woman didn't want to marry him but how he'd sort of found a way around it by forcing her to have a commitment ceremony, like a fake wedding. This meant that they would not really be married at all but would get lots of presents. The Small Man said it was better because he would lose too much money if he married his pet woman anyway. The friend could see quite clearly why the pet woman didn't want to marry the Small Man but it was up to the Small Man to find out why so the friend just kept quiet. The Small Man also told the friend many, many things about how awful his life was when growing up and the friend realised that this Small Man was looking for pity and not to rise above the bad things and change the circumstances and make a success of his life. When the Small Man did not receive enough pity, he started to get angry and nasty to the friend. The Small Man tried to bully the friend and force the friend to do whatever he wanted and the more the friend stood up to him, the nastier the Small Man became. One day the Small Man's boss said to the Small Man "Small Man, I don't like your friend anymore. I will pay you to kill your friend." and so the Small Man said "Ok" and killed the friend with a big knife in the back. The Small Man went home and lied to his pet woman and told her that he'd had to kill the friend out of self-defence. The pet woman, blowing on her toenails, looked up with her bruised and battered face and said "La la la la, potato chips are nice" because she'd sustained a head injury after her last beating for making bad coffee and it was all that she could say. Perhaps the Small Man was on drugs afterall. The end.