Ways to deal with breakups

I recently found out about a breakup that had happened in July. The situation was very similar to a breakup I had many years ago and this led me to think of the ways I went about dealing with my sadness and anger.

The first thing I did was to change my routine so that I was doing something different and it wasn't the same things I did with that person which would make me dwell on it and make me sad so no, routine had to go.

I started going to watch movies once a week on a Saturday afternoon by myself. I just liked going alone because I could watch what I wanted to (no romance or mushy anything movies) until I felt better and then I could go back to compromising to watch what other people also wanted to watch.

So the one Saturday afternoon, I was having a particularly bad day and was feeling very miserable and grumpy and so my dad asked if I'd mind if he came with me. I was hesitant because what if I wanted to watch heads being chopped off and he didn't but I agreed anyway.

Arriving at the cinema, there were only 3 choices: Heads being chopped off, mushy-mushy stuff or a Football movie. My dad asked what I wanted to watch and so I chose the Football movie thinking "Ok, well, there's no way it can make me feel worse nor can it freak me out."

What we didn't realise was that more than half the movie was in Spanish with tiny English subtitles. I sat watching the movie trying to read the subtitles to understand what was happening but they were too small and soon I gave up and just stared at the screen wondering what in the name of macaroni was going on.

My dad seem completely engrossed. He stared intensely at the screen. At least he was enjoying it.

About 20 minutes in, he leaned over and whispered "Aud, can you see the subtitles?"
and I whispered back, "No. Can you?" "No" he said. Then a 2 minute pause, "Aud, do you know what's going on?" "Not a clue." I responded. "Do you?" I asked. "No." he said and so we watched this movie in complete confusion until the language changed to English and by that time, we were so lost, it was way too late.

It certainly kept my mind off of things and it was very funny sitting there totally clueless together :D

The two year mark

It was at 3:15am two years ago that my dad passed away. This year is very hard for me for some reason. I sat and sobbed to my mom on the phone last night and even smsed my sister to say that I was thinking of her.

Things have changed so much since he died and I wish so much that he was here to share in things and advise me on things.

He taught us so much and helped us to be so independent but it's still nice to have that person around that you know you can go to and ask about anything and they will help you and be there for you.

For a long while it made me scared to move far away because I didn't want to lose my mom and not get to say goodbye or lose out on time that could've been spent with her.
My dad died so unexpectedly that if I hadn't been there by chance, I would never have got to hold his hand and hug him and tell him that I loved him and said goodbye.

I've realised that a lot of this has perhaps stunted me and while I may move forward in things like my studies and my work and my relationships, I haven't felt like all of me was really carrying on. Like I was stuck at an emotional point and wasn't able to move on from there.

Last night I was thinking about my dad's clothes hanging in my cupboard, the last ones that he ever wore, unwashed, untouched but by my hanging them up, and wondered if it wasn't time to put them away somewhere safe and cry or scream or do whatever and just let it all go and move on. It feels almost like a betrayal, like letting it go and moving on from this would mean that I'm forgetting him and saying that he's not important but i know that it isn't the case.

I've been so on my guard since he died and people who hurt me get shoved aside because I can't take it and I am able to move on without remorse because the bigger hurt inside drowns all the petty ones.
At the same time, I've also discovered who my real friends are and who aren't.

I'm going to focus on what lies ahead, the happy things, the good things, the exciting things not just because he would want me to but because I know that even if he's not with me physically, he's still with me every step of the way.

Love you dad!

Trying to find the answers

Every now and then, I decide to go and read up on stomach cancer or liver failure or colon cancer or just do a symptom search for what happened to my dad when he died because I don't believe the 2 minute autopsy that we had to get a court order to do and it was done by lazy government employees and Jhb Gen's doctors refuse to speak to me about my dad's medical history and while you may think "But it was over a year ago, just let it go", it's not so easy when you don't have the answers. It's not as upsetting anymore which is why I also do it, because I am able to look and read and remember, without wanting to burst into tears and will hopefully find some answer which sounds more plausible and I will then let it go.

Today was acute liver failure. This seems very possible actually. He took copious amounts of pain killers for the constant pain he was in for his joints and headaches and all sorts of other things. It could've really only been from taking too many of them at once. Those nasty yellow painkillers that taste so vile but work so well? Bad news! Stay away! My gran also didn't look so hot on her death bed and it was also most likely from these painkillers.

So far, this has been the closest I have come to his exact symptoms. Next time I have flu, I'll ask my GP what he thinks.

T'was a dark and relatively overcast night a long time ago

(Since our last burglary incident, and with the insurance not having
replaced the door yet, I was forced to sleep on a mattress in my
parent's room as my door wouldn't close anymore, let alone lock. The
story takes place there)

I was lying there all trying to sleep and stuff when I heard a noise that sounded like somebody walking on the roof!

I sat up and said "Do you hear that?" but alas, their snoring bellowed
even louder in their ears than it did mine.
Later, I heard lots of cutlery moving! They were coming to
hack us to pieces!
"Did you hear THAT?" but once again, only my ears seemed sharp enough
for the tin-ey tinkle of knives and forks being selectively sifted
through until the perfect size, shape and pointyness was found.
Suddenly, they clumsily bashed into the wall with their selection in
hand. It was big! Nothing compares to the sound of a knife clumsily
being hit against the wall, the sound is simply unmistakable.
"You MUST'VE heard that!" By now, I was annoyed that I would be the
only one being chopped up without pleasant thoughts beforehand.
"MOM! Push the friggin' panic button!"
"Eh? But why?"
"Are you in some sort of sleepy daze?! Pass it here, I'll push it!"

And then I heard them go the wrong way down the passage. They had
donned squeaky shoes suddenly! How DARE they put squeaky shoes on! The
absolute audacity to add some childish humour to their brutal attack
was making me angry.

And then the fireworks started. Huh? In the passage?

Eventually I got up, marched over to the panic button but was stopped half
way by an indistinguishable sound...my dad's breathing. I stopped and
just listened. It changed from sounding like some sort of injured
animal to fireworks to cutlery and then, lo and behold, squeaky shoes!

How relieved I was that it was just my dad's peculiar breathing I'd been hearing and not someone wearing squeaky shoes armed with a knife and fireworks coming to murder us!

The walking on the roof was long gone. Probably somebody taking a short cut to rob the house next door.

Dad's favourite poem

Don't Quit Poem by anonymous

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest! if you must; but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out;

Don't give up, though the pace seems slow;
You might succeed with another blow.
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor's cup.
And he learned too late, when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar;

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit;
It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit.