Tuesday, February 8, 2011

The two year mark

It was at 3:15am two years ago that my dad passed away. This year is very hard for me for some reason. I sat and sobbed to my mom on the phone last night and even smsed my sister to say that I was thinking of her.

Things have changed so much since he died and I wish so much that he was here to share in things and advise me on things.

He taught us so much and helped us to be so independent but it's still nice to have that person around that you know you can go to and ask about anything and they will help you and be there for you.

For a long while it made me scared to move far away because I didn't want to lose my mom and not get to say goodbye or lose out on time that could've been spent with her.
My dad died so unexpectedly that if I hadn't been there by chance, I would never have got to hold his hand and hug him and tell him that I loved him and said goodbye.

I've realised that a lot of this has perhaps stunted me and while I may move forward in things like my studies and my work and my relationships, I haven't felt like all of me was really carrying on. Like I was stuck at an emotional point and wasn't able to move on from there.

Last night I was thinking about my dad's clothes hanging in my cupboard, the last ones that he ever wore, unwashed, untouched but by my hanging them up, and wondered if it wasn't time to put them away somewhere safe and cry or scream or do whatever and just let it all go and move on. It feels almost like a betrayal, like letting it go and moving on from this would mean that I'm forgetting him and saying that he's not important but i know that it isn't the case.

I've been so on my guard since he died and people who hurt me get shoved aside because I can't take it and I am able to move on without remorse because the bigger hurt inside drowns all the petty ones.
At the same time, I've also discovered who my real friends are and who aren't.

I'm going to focus on what lies ahead, the happy things, the good things, the exciting things not just because he would want me to but because I know that even if he's not with me physically, he's still with me every step of the way.

Love you dad!